Figuring it out

I’ve been more than a little MIA on my blog. I know that’s not fair to all of you who pray for me and support me.  It’s a struggle I have—how do I really relay the in’s and out’s of my life and my work here.  When I don’t know the answer to that, I tend towards not writing- NOT the best option I know. 

There’s been a lot of discussion recently about missions – how missionaries at times can tend to “beef up” their activities spiritually when relating them to their supporters, but how also at times churches and supporters aren’t as open to hearing some of the day in, day out, regular (aka boring?) parts of what a missionary’s life is like serving God whether in their own community or in another country.  Because life is still life afterall.

This whole conversation really strikes a cord with me.  I regularly worry about whether I am “doing” enough here- or whether others think I am doing enough.  It eats at me.  I start to feel wayyyy unworthy, guilty even that I am the person that gets to be here. Living this life, doing this work.  Am I doing enough? Because I love my life and my work and it sings to my soul in a way that I don’t have words to express.  That even as much as I grumble about picking up dog poop sometimes on Sunday mornings- I’ve also learned to use that time to pray for the team that’s about to set foot on the guesthouse grounds, for us as the Solid Rock staff welcoming them, for those they have come here to serve.  And that’s where I realize that even though I don’t have the words that I want to have in order to express it all to you, I still need to try.

I realize at times I tend to note on Facebook the “fun times” (getting to go to the beach, visiting friends, travelling to new towns).  I worry sometimes about that too…  The fact is that I’m a missionary on a tropical island—will people think I’m only vacationing??? (Do I have enough photos of me “working?” Have I posted too many “vacation” photos?) Because obviously that’s not the case, but it is true that when I go to visit the school that SRI partners with in the capital there are family members of friends I get to visit with that I don’t normally see, beaches that are right there waiting as I’m on the way home.  Of course the schedule doesn’t always allow time to take advantage of those extra activities, but I sure do enjoy them when there is time.

I don’t know if this all makes sense, it’s something that I am wrestling with, something that I’ve been wrestling with for a long time.  I think it’s only fair and right to wrestle with it in a healthy way. I want to be accountable to the individuals that I am working with, to the organization, to my supporters—it’s only right.  But what’s not right is letting the anxiety about “getting it right” run unbridled- because that’s when it starts to tie me up and doesn’t allow me to express what IS happening—that’s when the worry starts pushing God out of the picture and the focus becomes Me.  And that will never work.  God was here at work in San Juan well before I got here.  I am now part of His story here-living and working for Him, but His work in this city will continue long after I am gone.  I remain humbled and grateful that He wrote me into this story despite the mess that I am.  That He loves me is what I need to cling to.  And allowing that to really, truly guide me more and more in all of my life is what I am striving towards.

This may not be completely related, but here goes anyway…  The last few weeks at church nothing has made me happier than clapping along on the 1 and 3 beats (for North American folks, “normal” clapping is on the 2 and 4).  Let me tell you how off-beat clapping, well, it just fits.  What first feels awkward (and well, let’s just say it, wrong), after awhile opens you in a simple way to a new experience of worship.  I kinda view it as an analogy for what my life here is like.

I do want to let you know the update on my health…  As most of you know I spent some time in the states recently to check up on things.  My neck is healing well- I just seem to be a slow healer in that regard.  However, there does seem to be something else going on.  So far there isn’t a clear answer, but thankfully several neurological and autoimmune disorders have been ruled out.  And a definite praise is that overall I have been feeling the best that I have in a long time during these past few weeks that I’ve been back in the Dominican Republic.  The end of July I will be heading back to the states for a couple weeks to be seen at Johns Hopkins.  I can feel your prayers at work. Thank you.